I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
