shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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