Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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