The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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