I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
