Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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