Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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