I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
