I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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