Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
