I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
