I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
barbara walters just said penis...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
