I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
