I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
