I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
