Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
cat food counts as protein by the way
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
