You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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