so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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