Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
