and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
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Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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