okay pat passed out under dana's car
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
