I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
