Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I need moral support for this bender
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Is Oprah even human
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
