Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
