That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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