he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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