the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
