Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
