I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
