There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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