fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
