I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
