I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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