Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
