It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
