you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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