My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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