Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
