A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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