The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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