Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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