new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
