Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
