Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
