the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
