There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
