and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
