so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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