If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
