I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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