I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
