i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
