you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
