my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
