What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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