I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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